Man Down

I hit some kind of wall yesterday. More teaching through the week, which means very early starts, plus some quite tough and stroppy nights with  F? Or just the sum total of the last two months of broken sleep finally hitting home? I don't know.

Whatever it was that gave, it gave quite fully. The internal joists keeping my sunny disposition erect sagged, the roof fell in, and the attic abruptly met the basement. V told me this morning that she'd asked me, around six a.m., if I could take F for a bit. Apparently I said "No, I'm not awake enough," rolled over and carried on snoring. I have no memory of this, but it sounds accurate.

Suddenly, from a sort of ragged but functional ability to keep going, I just couldn't. Couldn't wake up on demand, couldn't put on a smiley face in the teeth of a shrieking gale, couldn't really work out what time of day it was. We're thinking of joining the gym down the road, we'd popped in to ask about trial membership. "What do you think?" the girl at the counter asked me after explaining the options. I stared into the middle distance for almost a full minute. Part of me is still in there, trying to remember why I was there at all.

Thank God for Mormor, who came round today to give us an afternoon off. Sleep! Blessed, healing, lovely sleep. The ravelled sleeves of our care aren't perhaps entirely knitted up, but at least the heavy fraying (Frejing?) has been temporarily arrested.

This was the first time we'd let Freja out of our sight for any period of time. Neither of us expected to do anything other than sit by the door anxiously, occasionally whining like a punished dog as we waited for the return of our mistress. Luckily, physiology trumps even the best intentions, and we slept solidly for three hours or so.

Actually, I'd guiltily admit to feeling very relieved that we got a bit of time off. It came at a very necessary juncture for me. V didn't feel relieved at all, she was waiting for that sentinal peeping that alerts one to imminent waking the whole time. She's clearly the better parent.

All three of us are much calmer and more relaxed this evening. F is in a very smiley and calm mood, I can think in a straight line for more than thirty seconds and V has started laying plans for the next few days instead of the next few hours. Planning things is a good sign with my wife, it means she's looking forward to the future.

Wait, what, I've joined a gym?