Baby Food

The ward we stayed on was good, really. Full of zombie-like new parents shuffling round the corridors, peering blearily into their blanketed bundles or sitting in happy family groups just outside in the visiting area.

Nice hospital, shame about the food. My wife has hers included, I don't - I'm on a fold-out bed on the other side of the room, feeling rather like an optional extra. It's like being on tour in an American hotel again, eating out of corner shops and vending machines. Not that I'm losing out - Spanish Fish Gratin? Taco meat stew? Inventive ideas, I'm sure, but they all look like processed liver and taste like someone's mixed their entire spice rack with dirty water then tipped it over dogmeat.

Whilst I snack on hotdogs or microwave stir-fries, Freja snacks on her mother. It's a very mixed feeling, seeing my daughter happy and content under her cotton blanket, chewing away on my agonised wife. She's being brilliant with it, smiling at Freja when being watched, but mouthing obscenities and trying not to contort off the bed the rest of the time.

Last week, someone told us about a Victorian nipple protecter they saw in an antique shop. It was made of silver, an ornate piece with curly holes like a gothic colander. At the time, armouring your boobs against your baby's onslaught seemed a little over the top to me. Now, I'm not so sure.

Freja is a little early. We weren't expecting her until early February, so she's about two or three weeks before time. So we're staying here for the rest of the week, just so that the midwives can keep an eye on her and check nothing untoward occurs.

They're a formidable lot, these Swedish midwives. Dark blue uniforms, some pretty firmly held beliefs and tightly-scheduled appearances. We meet about two new ones every day, and each one has some new observation or rule to pass over. Don't let her suck your finger, not even to keep her quiet, she'll become too exhausted to eat. Only use baby oil for baths. Why have you put her in a babygro? Skin to skin contact is so important! Why aren't you feeling guiltier about everything you're doing wrong?

All this is reinforced by a huge red bible of advice, teaching you how to do manual expression or feed baby with a spoon. There are two pages for Dads, followed immediately by two for homosexual couples. Right on, Sweden.