Poos Your Own Adventure

1. 

It is four in the morning. You are in the bathroom.

In front of you is a baby change table, complete with a fresh towel, some baby wipes and some soothing cream.

You are carrying your baby. She is wearing a babygro and has a full nappy.

What do you do?

Put her down on the table, undress her and take off her nappy, then put her in a new one (Go to 4)
Put her down on the table and wait a moment, checking you have everything (Go to 3)
Give her to mummy (Go to 2)

2. 

Mummy has gone back to sleep and snarls at you when you attempt to thrust a damp baby at her. You barely escape with your life.

Return to 1 and choose another option.

3. 

You put the baby on the table. She wriggles around a bit and then makes a lot of grunting noises. Her nappy doubles in size.

You take the time to realize that there is no clean nappy on the change table, so you fetch one from the shelf. Note it on your character sheet.

Now what?

Take off the babygro and remove the nappy (go to 5)
Take off the babygro, loosen the nappy and inspect the damage (go to 7)

4. 

You have fallen prey to a classic baby trick - she's been waiting for this opportunity.

As soon as the babygro and nappy are off, the baby squirts poo in all directions like an uncontrolled firehose. You didn't remember to get a clean nappy ready, so you have no protection against it.

Now everything is covered in poo - baby, cleaning table, babygro, Daddy, floor and ceiling.

You have failed and are a poor father. Try again.

5. 

Are you wearing good clothes?

If so, go to 8
If not, go to 9

6. 

Baby fights your attempts to replace the nappy with all her might. She also screams like a branded banshee. You are so overwhelmed by her fury that you fail to prevent her kicking the dirty nappy open with one foot, covering it with poo which she promptly transfers to your arms and stomach. You are too tired to care.

On returning to bed with your clean baby, you transfer the poo to your wife.

Lose 2 sanity points and spend the rest of the night on the couch.

7. 

There is a lot of poo here. It is yellow and resembles cottage cheese.

Do you

Go and check on the internet to make sure this is normal? (Go to 10)
Scrape as much poo off with the old nappy as possible, then finish the job with babywipes? (Go to 11)

8. 

I don't believe you, you're a new father. Where did these good clothes come from at 0400? But let's give you the benefit of the doubt.

The nappy is full of poo. Before you can do anything about this, the baby cocks her pelvis at you and launches a healthy jet of wee over your chest.

Cross your good clothes off your character sheet. Nevertheless, you are in a good place to clean the baby and put a fresh nappy on.

To do this, go to 12
To do something else, go to 11

9. 

Your baby dislikes your dirty t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, and expresses this dislike through the medium of urine. You are now wet.

Regardless, you focus on changing the baby's nappy. Do you put on some soothing cream first (go to 11) or just go straight for the fresh nappy (go to 6)?

10. 

You do what? Why are you even a father? What are you thinking? You leave your baby alone in the bathroom to go on the internet? For real?

Okay, it's fine. The baby manages to call child services before anything serious happens. The judge sends you to a Siberian salt mine, where you can't do as much damage you monster.

11.

The soothing cream has the smell of a wet sheep and the consistency of tar. Because it is 0400, your manual dexterity is too limited to cope with the thick gunk and the tiny screw lid that keeps it in the tube.

As you struggle with it, your wet clothes cause you to slip on the slick bathroom floor. You crack your head on the sink on the way down.

Your wife discovers you some hours later, wee-stained and barely rational, at the feet of your baby. As the baby is clean and dry and your wife's sleep was not further disturbed, congratulations! You are an excellent father after all, even with your ammoniac stench and a concussion.

12.

At last! The baby is in a clean, new nappy and the damage to the bathroom is minimal.

Wait for around two hours and return to 1.